amongst books

amongst books

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

the poly situation: update

for want of any other place to put this, I offer up a status update post health crisis. I realize this has nothing to do with things literary. I told you I was a rule breaker.

my body is healing well. my scars are still pinkish, stomach still somewhat swollen but for the most part I am strong & vibrant again, & able to be bounced around playfully on a bed or other apt surfaces.

but since my health crisis, I have gone from being poly in practice to poly in spirit only. my eye still roves to the beautiful men in the cafes & those sexy visiting & resident poets, but when it comes to physical encounters, I haven't been involved with lovers outside my marriage since my health crisis.

I am not entirely sure of why, but I have a few thoughts:

1. priorities

in the hospital I came so close to death & I felt very frightened & alone in my delusions, once I was back at home with Charles again after almost a month of being apart, all I wanted to do was be with him. [I am just now starting to go out again on my own in the evenings by going to a weekly pottery class.]

2. body image

I am happy with my body. I still think I am beautiful. I love my curves & sexy legs & bum etc. I am proud of those scars, but, but… I am shy about how others will perceive my body. I don't want to reveal my naked self to a man only for him to be repulsed by this pink & swollen flesh with its scars and stomach wound. I am too vulnerable for that.

3. risk

after the health crisis, I don't want to take any chances of rejection, of trauma or complication. I want things to be smooth & turbulent free.

4. age

strange for me to say, but at 48, I don't feel that men notice me. I have pretty much always had to take the initiative anyway [pretty intimidating to put the moves on a married woman] & now I simply don't & they don't see me. my libido is as strong as ever, if not stronger, but I am not as brave, not as confident.

In summary

the men in my life have been wonderful, starting with Charles of course (& I don't take his passion & love for granted, believe me, I adore him & our time in bed), & dear friends who have been lovers as well seem to be fine with the intimacy taking the form of conversations in cafes & pubs. some men have disappeared, but that's the nature of life. we get busy, immersed in our lives.

but yes, my eye roves. so many sexy men out there. there are moments when I am at a reading or a café when I just want to take one (or several) of them by the hand & lead him (them) straight to bed. I still think it's silly how much drama & analysis is associated with sex. I don't see why two (or more) people can't just express their lust for one another & go to it. but I guess for now at least, I won't be expressing such in the form of my usual solicitous & licentious e-mails or come hither looks.

a very sexy writer recently told me that he appreciated how open I was about my polyamoury. hearing that my openness was a help to others inspired me to write this post, even though it's a bit of a touchy subject (oh dear, a pun).

perhaps there are others out there who have gone thru major health crises or surgeries & are having similar thoughts or experiences. if so, let me know. i'd love to hear about how you're doing.

for me, being in an open relationship means embracing fluidity & change. the health crisis taught me to appreciate the moment I am in. & I do. I also appreciate having dear friends of all genders. life is good.


Luna said...

Do I ever relate! Since my accident, I've been wary of new lovers, feeling vulnerable about the physical pain I experience and the idea of needing to adapt or stop whatever sexiness might be going on at the time the pain hits. I worry about new people not being careful with my body - remembering to kiss me gently because of my nose injury, for example, or about accidents happening during sex - bumping into my nose or accidentally putting weight on my knee or back in a way that causes me pain.

I thought to myself "There's no way that the lovers who have been there since before the accident would do that." I felt safe with them because they knew the context of my injuries. They had seen everything I went through when the injuries were more visible and obvious, and they know that I still live with them every day.

Not the easiest thing to explain to new lovers who look at you and see someone generally able-bodied and healthy and who don't really understand the details of what my body is going through day-to-day because it's not all that visible anymore.

I've been less bold since the accident and less interested in casual involvements even though I'm feeling as much desire for people as I go about my days. I still see the beautiful men and women around the city, but it's not really my priority right now.

Right now, feeling safe is much more important to me when it comes to love and sex than feeling bold. To everything a season, right? :)

Amanda Earl said...

thanks, Luna. i was thinking of you when i wrote this post also. that need to feel safe is so strong right now. tis exactly that.