amongst books

amongst books

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

Ottawa, May 20, 2020 Panic Wanks, Blossoms and Mindfulness


My anxiety has increased with the government’s decision to allow more businesses and services to the public to reopen and to open up the parks and loosen restrictions.

I don’t know what to do with these feelings of anxiety. Since March, we’ve been told again and again to not interact with one another and now we’re being told to resume interaction, albeit with caution and still following guidelines. It feels scary to me and sudden. I scan news of spikes of new cases in other countries that have been attempting to open things up again. Then there’s today’s news. New cases in Ottawa: residents at the Shepherds of Good Hope. The panic sets in.

When I’m anxious, I wank more. I can’t focus. I did manage to get outside for a walk yesterday and was heartened to see May in full blossom as it usually is at this time of year. There’s something reassuring about seeing how the natural world is continuing, that it isn’t really affected by all of this.

I think I’m going to have to be stricter with myself about my exercise routine. Today I did both my meditation (twice weekly Zoom appointment) and my stretch and strength class (via Youtube, but normally twice weekly via Zoom; I can add more of the same class via Youtube). I feel still a bit anxious, but that’s the norm, I’m afraid. It’s not over the top however. So maybe I’ll be able to focus?

I miss being carefree. Was I ever carefree? Not sure. But I think I’d like to find a way to be…after all this? I think being carefree is about being in the moment, something that is called “mindfulness.” During my meditation sessions with my tai chi instructor, that is what I’ve been working on since March. Do you meditate? Do you find being in the moment difficult? Is your mind always busy? This is how I’ve always been. But these days, I find I really need to learn mindfulness.

Sex is a form of mindfulness, I guess. Whether it is with others or oneself. I wank by chatting with guys on Whisper or Snapchat (yes, I’m back). I’m not thinking about anything but the back and forth sex talk between us, the way they get turned on when they see my body, the way I feel. But even I can wank only so many hours in a day.

Walking used to be a way for me to live in the present or at least, away from the Internet and social media. But these days being outside is an angsty experience too.

Perhaps you’re a gardener and this helps you be in the moment. Or you’re a knitter or a surfer or a skate boarder. Tell me what you do to stay in the moment and try to take a rest from all of this fucking angst. I’d love to know.

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