I’m in the living room. The balcony door is open. The light is soft. I feel a cool breeze. It’s only seven a.m. I feel calm. For the moment.
This has been a jangling time for many of us for many reasons, not just Covid-19, but the pandemic is the over-riding reason for the jangle.
Today I realized how much this jangle is affecting my creative work. Part of me admires creative folk who can somehow remove themselves from the concerns of the world in order to create. I don’t mean to imply that this removal means such creatives are uncaring. I think they must just have a way of separating their process of creation enough so that they can get things done.
I’ve been weighed down with anxiety and concern. It has made it difficult for me to work on my creative projects. I’ve been writing a lot of other things: correspondence to dear friends, these blog entries, and I’ve been editing still, but I haven’t been making new things for a while. I haven’t figured out how to remove myself and focus.
And if I do manage to do so even for a short while, I feel guilty. The word “should” appears a lot in my mind. It billows, like a white sheet on a clothesline in the breeze. Flutter, flutter, should, should. Little nagging plosives accompanied by the buzz, click, drone of anxiety. Cicada sounds. Green continuous hums. Rustling.
I need to find a way to remove myself and to not feel guilty about doing so. Perhaps you are having these issues also. Let me know. Are you writing? How?