I’m
in the living room. The balcony door is open. The light is soft. I feel a cool
breeze. It’s only seven a.m. I feel calm. For the moment.
This
has been a jangling time for many of us for many reasons, not just Covid-19, but
the pandemic is the over-riding reason for the jangle.
Today
I realized how much this jangle is affecting my creative work. Part of me
admires creative folk who can somehow remove themselves from the concerns of
the world in order to create. I don’t mean to imply that this removal means
such creatives are uncaring. I think they must just have a way of separating
their process of creation enough so that they can get things done.
I’ve
been weighed down with anxiety and concern. It has made it difficult for me to
work on my creative projects. I’ve been writing a lot of other things:
correspondence to dear friends, these blog entries, and I’ve been editing
still, but I haven’t been making new things for a while. I haven’t figured out
how to remove myself and focus.
And
if I do manage to do so even for a short while, I feel guilty. The word “should”
appears a lot in my mind. It billows, like a white sheet on a clothesline in
the breeze. Flutter, flutter, should, should. Little nagging plosives accompanied
by the buzz, click, drone of anxiety. Cicada sounds. Green continuous hums.
Rustling.
I
need to find a way to remove myself and to not feel guilty about doing so.
Perhaps you are having these issues also. Let me know. Are you writing? How?
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