Sometimes when I am involved in my work, I forget for a
while about the pandemic, but I notice that my reactions to people I am dealing
with are sharper. I am in a highly emotional and anxious state.
The latest scary thing that really freaked me out about
Covid-19 is the possibility that those who get the virus may have to live with
long-lasting delirium and paranoia. This gave me a horrible feeling in the pit
of my stomach. When I was in ICU for pneumonia and full body sepsis in 2009, I had
frightening delusions. I had no way of knowing what was real and what was
delusion. I came in and out of time, confused and disoriented. The hospital
staff were out to get me. A looming shadowed creature came to take my hand to
take me away. I didn’t take the hand, but I was so uncertain, unsure what I
should do. People laughed at me. When I
asked where my husband was, a nurse asked me what made me think he wanted to
see me. I was tied and bound and ignored.
I was sawed in half, my upper body placed in one cage, my lower body in the
next. And the worst…these blank in between times where I was nothing at all.
And no one cared. I have never felt sadder and more afraid. I have become
afraid of death. I wasn’t before. Now I worry that there is no death, just this
blank oblivion.
During recovery I couldn’t sleep with the light off. I
woke up curled up tightly. My jaw was sore from clenching it closed throughout
the night. This is something some who are intubated do after the tube comes
out. Charles woke me to the sounds of my screams.
I have been telling myself that I am not afraid of
getting Covid-19, but clearly I am. I am fucking petrified of going thru anything
remotely resembling what I went thru with my health crisis a decade ago, the
one the doctors knew would kill me.
I am staying at home and not going to any public places
unless I absolutely have to. I read news items about people gathering in large
groups to drink and party and I am angry. But I know this anger isn’t constructive.
I repeat the “I can control only myself.” The thing is…I had no control over suddenly
developing a pneumonia so serious I could no longer breathe. I had no control
over my colon suddenly turning toxic. I had no control over the sepsis. It happened
out of the blue. The doctors were not able to figure out why I got sick. I was
a healthy 46-year old woman. Until I wasn’t.
I have been trying to ignore my fear, not on purpose. I
hadn’t realized I was. The thing is…I’m not good at ignoring my distress and
worries. They generally slip out sideways. I may suddenly get angry or worried
about something completely unrelated and it takes a while before I can figure out
where these emotions are coming from.
So it’s important for me to acknowledge this fear and
realization in myself. I am frightened of getting Covid-19. I am frightened of
the delusions returning. I am frightened I won’t be able to survive or that if I
do survive, I will be in horrible physical pain and emotional distress.
Helpless.
And the ghosts from my delusions are still with me.
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