amongst books

amongst books

Wednesday, October 14, 2020

Ottawa,October 14, 2020 c o p * / in ~ ! g Sort/ of _* ^

Some days I’m ok. I am focused, I can cross tasks off my to-do list easily. Other days my brain is in a fog. I feel unsettled and rattled. What does it take to set me off? This morning it was the news that writer, R.M. Vaughn has been missing for two days and is being searched for in Fredericton, New Brunswick. I am not close to him, but he’s a fellow writer, we’re FB friends and we have interacted a bit here and there, if memory serves. I worry for him and feel badly for his friends and loved ones.


I listened to a bit of the news, Ottawa is not doing so great at dealing with the pandemic. At the same time there are increases in fines as methods to curtail a lack of precautions toward it. I worry about that too, about the vulnerable who can’t afford fines and what giving authority and enforcement to individuals and organizations looks like these days, what it might become.


I see lines being drawn: citizens, particularly the have nots vs institutions. The institutions are always right. the Economy is everything. I see absurd and obvious hypocrisy: going after family gatherings while turning a blind eye to budget-strapped schools that can’t possibly follow the same precautions that individuals are being fined for. Who do we fine in that case? The politicians who were voted in by the right-wing because they promised to keep taxes low?

 I hear the rumblings of the working class who are not able to do what they are asked to do because they have to work and pay the bills. They can’t call in sick because they don’t get sick pay. Bosses of businesses aren’t necessarily being co-operative either. There is pressure – the Economy. Alberta just cut a bunch of health workers, for fuck’s sake.

 Racism and misogyny is ugly here too. Nova Scotia, what the fuck? New Brunswick, what the fuck?

 Meanwhile our neighbour to the south is in a time that is so overwhelmingly upsetting. Someone asked recently on Twitter, “since when is caring for people a radical idea?”

Today I am unsettled and my fitness class helped a bit but not enough. I can’t cross tasks off my to-do list right now. I feel bad about that, but wait! It’s ok not to do these things right now. It’s ok to take a break and do what I can do to get through this moment.

 On a CBC Radio Ideas show recently, the philosopher Roman Krznaric said we might be witnessing the death of a system, the so-called democratic system. The program was about thinking of those to come, and being a good ancestor. It was hopeful.

 tomorrow is my 57th birthday. I had a lot of ideas and plans for the future. my brain and my heart were giving me hope….

  I’m going to go outside soon and spend a little time in the sun. If I can get myself to do it. I’m fighting brain fog and anxiety pretty hard right now. Are you? I’m sending you hugs and this moment. I hope you are ok. I hope those you love are ok. Will we get through this? I don’t know.

 here are my plans:

do work when I can

when I can’t, do something else and don’t beat myself up about it

listen to hopeful and constructive activities and philosophers via podcasts and radio shows

hug Charles

reach out to you and let you know that you are not alone

cry sometimes

hug Charles



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